About Women for Men... from the meet to the sheets

More Mysteries Revealed: WHAT WOMEN WANT

2006-08-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Male friends repeatedly complain to me that they have no idea what the women in their lives want. Since all women are different as to specific likes & dislikes, I can only speak to the core issues. (I know these core issues to be true because I hear them over & over again from the women in my life.) So here’s a list, in no particular order, which all men should take under advisement!

COMMUNICATION: Since men basically abhor all confrontation, you tend to lack in the communication arena. I’m not talking about the day to day b.s. of life. Most of you will tell us about who did what to whom on the job. The communication that we’re after is from the heart, your FEELINGS. (Oh, I know that’s a dirty word!) We want to know how you feel about US primarily & all things that pertain to US & the RELATIONSHIP. (We must truly be insecure beings since we need REASSUARANCE.) Get used to it! That’s never going to change. We don’t need an emotional monologue, but an occasional “I love you” or if you’re not at that point in the relationship, a “You make me happy” will do wonders.

LISTEN: Men seem to hear in a type of short hand. (I have written about this topic before & suggested that women use KEY WORDS when talking with men. See: http://karenheckler.blogspot.com/2005/10/manitus-state-of-male-psyche.html) Yes, I know we can prattle on but I’m doing my part to have women correct that issue when in dialogue of importance. However, practice the art of listening. Pretend that we’re talking about your favorite sport & at least focus on the gist of the conversation. It will save you from making costly mistakes. And while I’m on the topic, be ATTENTIVE. Look interested. Please don’t check your watch, scrutinize the newspaper or the TV screen or let your eyes wander.

APPRECIATION: (aka Consideration) You’re great on this front at the start of le affaire, but once you feel comfortable the gratefulness “muscle” seems to weaken or atrophy altogether. (And I know that women can be guilty of this too.) Words of praise, please & thank you & the occasional service will do wonders. Most men still have to be asked to do something for the women in their lives. Take the initiative & perform a service that is non-sexual. Take the garbage out. Bring the dishes to the sink. Rub our necks. This is true even if you don’t live together. (Just think of the points you’ll rack up if you offer to take a date’s garbage out when you leave for the night!)

MAKE US A PRIORITY: After a man grows accustomed to a woman, it is not uncommon that his focus shifts back to his hobbies, business or male bonding. (Often men think that they’re doing the business thing for the woman so they can have a better life, when really we want more of you not $$$.) We don’t begrudge you your interests or your friends. Just don’t make us the last thing on your list. We want to be considered your “good time” too.

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The Day After The Date

2006-08-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

It’s the day after the big first date. This column is predicated on the fact that you want to see this woman again. What you do today is key. Depending on how enthusiastic you are for this lady should determine your actions. I understand that everything I say here involves some level of vulnerability. (Yes, vulnerability is frightening. But it’s also enticing.) Calling or taking some sort of action the next day shows that you are a man of your word.

Do NOT tell a woman what you think she wants to hear. Remember my credo: honesty in dating. Tell her what you are comfortable saying & nothing more, (even if she fishes). Say nothing that seems too serious, even if it was love at first sight. In this day of stalkers & wackos, seeming too engaged too quickly can make her bolt. (I’ve been with someone for over 13 mos. He courted me for the previous month, flirting, visiting, being a friend. However, the night after he made his move, he told me he missed me in the follow-up phone call. It scared the crap out of me since I wasn’t on the same page. Had he not previously built a foundation, I would have run for the hills.)

If you are mildly interested: Make a friendly call the next evening. Keep it brief. Thank her for the previous date. Tell her you’ll call again soon.

If you are interested: Make a call the next afternoon. Be warm. This would be an excellent time to schedule the next date.

If you are fascinated: Say it with flowers. Find a good florist who knows the “language” of flowers. Hopefully you got a sense of her style. Most women still flip for a dozen roses. (My favorites are “black” or sterling roses.) A live orchid plant is very chic & also has a zen quality. There are some wildly creative florists out there that can also produce something that will take her breath away.

If you think you’ve met your soul mate: (& aren’t you in touch with your emotions?! Do you have a brother?) Resist the urge to be too declarative. Take a cold shower. If you still feel the same, then do the above but make sure those flowers arrive early in the a.m. By all means see her again as soon as possible. (Don’t let her get away if she’s this amazing & available.) But suggest something light & casual, preferably in the day light, where you can talk. (In your condition we don’t want to mix in the intoxicants of candlelight & alcohol just yet.)

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TO KISS OR NOT TO KISS

2006-07-27T09:28:00.000-07:00

So the date is finished & you are at her front door or her car door (if she met you somewhere). Now how do you say good night?

If you are NOT interested in seeing her again, please do NOT tell her that you’ll call her. Shake her hand. Thank her for her time & get out of there. Again, you’ll be doing your fellow man a favor by not adding baggage for the next guy. You just don’t know what most women go through when a man says he’ll call & doesn’t. The lady replays the date over & over again in her mind & with anyone else who’ll listen. She’ll analyze every look & phrase. It’s torture & unless you really have a sadistic streak, please spare her.

If you are interested in this woman, my advice is to end the date now, before the hormones rage & you rush into something that you both may later regret. Nothing kills the possibility of a relationship faster than moving to the bedroom too quickly. While we all enjoy a good romp (& we all need it too) the awkwardness that follows premature intimacy is very hard to get around. I am no prude. & I have had my fair share of one-nighters. But I also know that in giving in to my passions, I’ve also thrown away some potentially great guys.

Men, I know you enjoy the conquest. And when the conquest is sated, the interest can wane. (Therefore, WOMEN, if you are reading this, realize that if you want to attract this beast, make him interested in more than your vagina, before you give it up.) I also think that deep down in the male psyche, you still want the good girl that doesn’t give it up so quickly.

Regardless of the reasoning, true closeness is learned & takes time. The discovery of another human being can be one of life’s greatest joys, (even if it ultimately doesn’t work out). Having fun with a person, (I’ll even use the old fashioned word… look it up if you don’t know its meaning… courting) sharing secrets & laughter builds a delicious ANTICIPATION. A slow journey to sexual intimacy has its own reward. It makes things so incredibly exciting. If you’ve never had this journey, trust me on this, it’s worth it.

Alright, let’s answer the question, TO KISS OR NOT TO KISS? (Please gentlemen, learn to kiss. Kissing is one of the most erotic pleasures. Perhaps I should do an entire column on it. But for now, no one wants a big sloppy mouthful of your saliva!) Once again, I think you have to take your cue from the woman. Read the body language. Has she stolen little touches? Has she looked into your eyes? How close is she standing to you now? The signals are there to be read. Depending on how strong they are, should tell you how deep to go. (But save the tonsil probing for another time.) If she only seems cordially amenable, a simple, friendly peck might be sufficient. But definitely add a hug to that gentle, quick kiss. Women love great huggers. Somewhere deep inside it reminds us that you’re stronger & there to be the protector. If you think that more is requested, than give that deeper kiss. But still keep it short. There is nothing sexier than that first tentative kiss that holds the promise of more. Touch her face & her hair. (Trust me on this, it doesn’t just look good in the movies, it feels good too.) If she kisses you back, then linger. Enjoy the taste of her lips. But then part & say good night! Leave wanting more! (You know I’m right.) She’ll think of you all night & into the next day. & she’ll be very enthusiastic for your next adventure.

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Truth in Dating

2006-07-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

When I say Truth in Dating I do NOT mean spill your guts & tell all your secrets. (It’s much too early in the game to let someone know your bathroom habits, or that you were never breast fed.) Getting to know each other should be a slow reveal, a delicious adventure where trust is earned & a life is learned.

When I say truth, I mean be truthful on the date(s) & in your conversations. I know a man’s inclination is to detest & dodge all confrontation & tell a woman what he thinks she wants to hear. (And I mean this, even if you intend never to see her again.) Also this means do NOT exaggerate your achievements, skills, prowess, abilities, career position, etc. If, down the road, you begin to build a relationship, the foundation has been fabrications that you’ll have to substantiate or backpedal from.

Let’s say you’re on that first date & you’re ardor has cooled. It happens, this is the first time you’ve been alone. Do NOT tell her that you’re going to call her, if you have no intention of doing so. Look at it as doing a favor for your fellow man. You’re date will be less bitter & suspicious of the next guy.

If the date is going poorly & you want to exit (and this is why I have previously suggested you keep a first date brief & moving) do it graciously & honestly. Don’t have some contrived plan, like a phone call (from one of your buds that you called from the men’s room) informing you that your grandma is in the hospital. That will only make a woman’s nurturing instincts kick in & give date interruptus & perhaps the hope that you’ll pick up where you left off another time. If you tell a woman that it’s not working for you, you dissipate any expectations. This is a test drive if you will. There’s no commitment or expectation. So don’t build an idea or thought of 1 if nothing is going to happen after this trial run. There won’t be a huge let down, you don’t know each other. & I promise you they’ll be no scene or emotional outburst. (And if there is 1 you can just walk away, after paying the tab.) If you do decide to end the date early or not see her again, be sure that you still see her home safely, unless she insists to the contrary. Be a gentleman at all times. That way your conscience is clear & you’ll be thought of as a decent guy. Who knows she may recommend you to one of her friends.

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The First Date -- The Arrival

2006-07-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you’ve taken my previous advice & planned the date & the time. The following should be axiomatic however, just as a reminder, BE ON TIME. BE DRESSED APPROPRIATELY for the planned events. Unless you wear a full beard, shave! If you are driving, make sure your car is clean. It’s no fun to get into someone’s car & have them shove all their work materials on the floor or toss them in the back seat before you can get in. It sends a message that you’re a thoughtless slob. Also make sure the car smells good. You don’t want her wondering if that odor is you.

Be on your best behavior. All women have fathers &/or brothers. We know that you scratch your butt, belch, drink out of the milk container, etc. However this is not the time to be initiated into your particular rights of manhood. I know that our current culture is very casual. But don’t be casual about courtesy, respect & decency.

An immediate turn-on for any woman is flowers. A dozen roses would be overkill. However a simple bouquet or even a single long stemmed blossom says that you are thoughtful. I wouldn’t bring candy, since you don’t know if she’s on a diet. Bringing a bottle of wine can be iffy. It might say that you plan to come back to her house after the date, which would be presumptive upon arrival. If you do decide that this is a token you’d like to bring, then take the “curse” off by stating something to the effect that you know this is a great bottle of wine & you thought of her when you were buying yourself some. Or you can say you hope that she’ll share it with good friends.

If she has a pet, be cordial to her animal. You’ll score big points with an animal lover if you don’t appear put off by hair, drool or an animal’s general suspicion of you as the intruder. As pet owner myself, nothing turns me off faster than people who are obviously uncomfortable around my creatures.

Compliment her attire, her hair, jewelry, shoes, something… anything! She probably knocked herself out to look good for you, even if you’re just going to the park to skate. So notice. The same goes for her home. If she invites you in before you leave, (or afterwards) make an appreciative noise about the setting, even if it is not to your tastes. Unlike most guys, a woman’s home is a reflection of her style & grace. I don’t expect you to snoop or pick up objects to ascertain their provenance, but asking about a particular item, will also show attentiveness & score needed points.

Keep the date moving. You set the tempo. Gently set the agenda & keep us on it. Now I don’t mean like a drill sergeant, but if you have reservations, gently remind her of that, so that you don’t lose your table, court time, etc.

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Report from the "battlefield"

2006-07-09T12:23:00.000-07:00

I must digress from my step by step plan to relate my experiences out in the single world on a Saturday night. Let me preface my picks & pans by reminding you that I am easy to talk to. I love to engage in conversation with new people, particularly men. I get NO THRILL out of rejecting someone or hurting their feelings, nor am I looking to pump up my ego with how many numbers I can score. I left those games a long time ago.

My first stop with my friend Judy was an art gallery opening. There was wine (too hot out for me to drink red) cheese, music & the art we came to see. An eclectic group was there mingling & enjoying.

The first man to make a run at me did so at the buffet. He was eating, with food in his mouth & just sort of grunted. Unless a woman goes for the Neanderthal type, this sort of opening line is not going to work. Later, as we both found ourselves studying the same section of wall, he had the audacity to ask me why I had ignored him. (Maybe because I don’t speak your primitive language?)

After the gallery, Judy & I hit a nearby tavern / restaurant that caters to Euros (it’s a German place). The atmosphere in this place is always cordial, with 2 bars & an outside beer garden. The food is good & it is never so loud that you can’t hear another’s conversation.

I met a succession of men while seated at the upstairs bar. A lovely older gentleman sat beside me & offered to buy us both drinks. NOTE: This is a very good opener. He didn’t single out one or the other of us. For a small price he had the opportunity to dazzle both women & not hurt either of our feelings by exclusionary tactics. He wound up clicking more with Judy, but that just naturally occurred since they were closer in age & background.

However, before that happened, 2 other guys came over to engage us in conversation. In no time they tried to stand between us, invading our space. Even in a crowded bar, there is a comfort zone of space. Once that was done, they each got very close to our faces. While Judy was polite, I turned away, offering only clipped responses. But “my” guy did not read the body language & proceeded to drape himself over me. At that point the NYer in me went into attack mode. I jumped off the chair, wrenching my shoulders away from his touch, loudly proclaiming, “Back Off!” And then a lovely thing happened. A watchful man came over & defended our honor. He told the pair to leave us alone & that we were clearly not interested. Then modest guy that he was, he didn’t hang around for kudos, returning to his corner of the bar. He was an unsung hero & therefore piqued my interest. I had to know his name & all about him. I love real men that show respect for women & therefore for the next hour, I had a wonderful time talking to him. He did many things right, that I’ve outlined in previous articles including writing down information about an author I might be interested in.

Since I do believe in leaving them wanting more, after an hour, I decided to make my exit. I thanked him for his gallantry & extended my hand to shake his. He took my hand in both of his & asked me to see him again. Believe me, he will!

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Planning the First Date

2006-07-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

So she’s said yes & you’ve set a time to get together. (& set a time, not some nebulous, quasi, leave it up to the day – surprise. & this should go without saying, but BE ON TIME!)

Now comes the date pre-production. I can’t say this strongly enough…. MEN, HAVE A PLAN OF ACTION! Know where you are going & what you are doing ahead of time. Tell the woman this is what you would like to do so that we know what to expect & how to dress.

Nothing is more infuriating than having a man show up (a new one, no less) with a, “What do you want to do,” scenario. This sends a message that you didn’t care enough to think about the date, ahead of time. It signals that you are lazy & not really all that interested. For all our efforts in the Equality movement, most gals still want a man that’s strong & takes charge. (Only truly manipulative, ball-busters want to run your life. We want partners, not puppets.)

Hopefully you have followed my advice & elicited some information about your date’s likes & dislikes. (If she’s scared of or allergic to animals, the zoo is out.) Taking what she’s told you into consideration, plan something LIGHT & FUN. (This is too early for romance, even though we’ve all seen movies where the guy sweeps a woman off her feet. Get too romantic, too quickly & she’ll be running from fear.) I DO NOT recommend a movie, even if you’re both the world’s biggest movie buffs. (This obviously goes for plays & concerts too. There’s plenty of time for that later.) I say this because you learn nothing about each other sitting side by side in the dark. This is a mindless date that doesn’t engage much conversation or learning. (Sporting events are different. They encourage bonding because you root for the team & you can talk during it.)

While eating can be part of any date, I don’t think it should be the whole date, unless you agree in advance that it’s all you have time for. There is nothing terribly imaginative about going out for a meal. But if that’s what you decide to do, again consult with the woman as to food likes & dislikes. Make a reservation, particularly on busy weekend nights. Standing around, hungry, waiting for a table for an hour typically makes a woman cranky.

And if you’re the kind of man that likes to go DUTCH, make sure this is understood in advance. (And she may even suggest that to keep things light & equitable.) While many women today have their own money, we don’t want this sprung on us. The rule of thumb is the person doing the asking generally pays. For me, if a man wants to go Dutch, right off the bat, I’m NOT interested. If a guy can’t invest a bit of his time & money on me then he’s cheap. (& I’m not talking hundreds of dollars – stick within a budget that is comfortable for you) & cheap men are so in all categories of life.

Now with this advice in mind, GET IMAGINATIVE. Think of something to do that would be a pleasant diversion for you both. In a major city there are a plethora of things to do besides dining. Read your local Calendar or Arts section of the paper. Find out what local events are happening. Take her for a hike, roller skate or bike if she’s reasonably athletic. Pack a picnic. Row a boat. Drink wine while watching the sunset. Laugh together. But don’t plan anything that will take over 6 hours. I think small doses of each other is the best way to start. Remember leave her wanting more, not wondering how to escape.

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Orlando is NOT just Theme parks, but a thriving community that sports a rich history of cattle raising, rustling, gun fights & gambling. The wild “south” was changed when the railroad extended into Orlando. It then became the hub of the Citrus Industry. In Orlando today, there is the urban lifestyle of downtown with a mixture of historic homes and luxury condominiums with great views of the city. (Vintage homes may be found in the historic neighborhoods of Thorton Park, Lake Eola Heights, Lake Lawsona, Lake Cherokee, and Lake Copeland.) It is home to a diversity of restaurants, retailers and bars within walking distance. Beautiful Lake Eola, sponsors festivals, outdoor concerts& gondola rides. The sports complex, theater, and opera are all centrally located.

Before you go on that first date, make sure your car is properly & fully insured. It doesn’t get any easier than getting that quote with an online car insurance rate. CarInsurance.com makes it easy to buy your auto insurance online. (In some states you could complete the process and have your proof of insurance in 15 minutes!) The site is easy to use with a goal to show you how much you can save with their services. By providing you with comparative rates from companies that suit your needs, you can make an informed decision & complete your purchase. They do provide auto insurance quotes for all 50 states!

Here is some more advice from GEICO, a trusted name in insurance. Their advice could save you money & a lot of hassle in the long run. 1) Keep your vehicle locked at all times, even while driving. 2) Never leave your keys in the car. 3) If possible, park in busy, well-lit areas. Leave your car in park or in gear with the wheels turned toward the curb or some other obstruction, so thieves won't be able to tow it easily. 4) Never leave valuables or anything that might look enticing, inside your vehicle where they can be seen. (I’ve had a smashed window for an old gym bag with old shoes inside.) (5) Install an anti-theft system in your vehicle if it doesn't have one. There are many options, inclusive of a steering wheel lock & Ignition cut-off systems that prevent a car from being started. There are more expensive options like passive alarms that activate automatically when the key is removed from the ignition. There is also police - trackable signal systems such as Lo-Jac. Most insurers offer discounts for these types of systems. 6) Beware of the "bump-and-rob" technique. Carjackers bump your car from the rear, then steal it when you get out to look for damage. 7) Do not leave registration or title in the car. (My car title is locked in a safe at home. But I am all too guilty of leaving the registration in the glove box.) (8) Look around. Be aware of your surroundings, especially in garages, parking lots and gas stations. 9) Know where you're going. 10) If confronted by a carjacker, do not resist. (The car is replaceable, you’re not!)

The Answer to the Age Old Question -- When do you call?

2006-06-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

Before I answer that question, allow me a preamble about today’s woman. She is not your mother or your grandmother who NEEDED a man for income & stability. (We still need you & want you but not to move out of dear old dad’s.) Typically women are well educated, have their own money & buy their own homes. Because of this reality, most savvy women are more cautious in their couplings (at least among the keepers as opposed to the quickies).

Why do I bring this up? Since women now lead very busy lives, they are selective about whom they spend their free time with. Therefore, whether you deserve it or not, you’re scrutinized & analyzed more than ever before. This scrutiny does include that first contact call after your meet.

If you have only given her your number, then you’ll learn what it’s like to play the waiting game that women have endured for ages. However, if you’ve exchanged numbers go ahead & make the first move. (Most women still love to be CHASED! It makes us feel desirable.) If you’ve only obtained hers, when do you make that call? Bear in mind that this new woman really doesn’t know you from Adam. So even if you are the most confident, considerate man in America; call too soon & you’ll run the risk of being perceived as needy or (worse) desperate.

I believe the perfect time to call is within 24 – 72 hours. After 72 hours the memory of you fades or she’ll think that you really aren’t all that interested. Also take note of the day of the week that you make that first call. I don’t believe it is appropriate to call for the first time on a Saturday, especially for that night. So to appear considerate of her busy lifestyle (even if she is home just washing the dog), when you call, make that date for a few days later, unless she suggests otherwise.

A few tips about that first call, re-read my column “THE ART OF CONVERSATION.” The principles therein still apply to the phone call. However, dig a little deeper now, unless you read a signal that she’s in a rush. Take this first call to find out more about her likes & dislikes so that you can better determine what to do on the first date. (I have always liked men that are inventive about dates. Yes, eating is great, but there’s nothing so different that we can’t do on our own or with the girls.) I would keep the conversation light & moving towards the goal of setting a time to meet. Again, this is an art. You want to reveal a bit more about each other to build the interest, but not divulge so much that she feels she’s seen all your tricks.

Set a time for the date that is comfortable to both of you. And we’ll talk more about the first date in my next column.

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Scoring the Digits

2006-06-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

So you’ve had your opening dialogue & you’d like to see her again? In the previous column I discussed leaving the woman wanting more (not wishing you’d dry up & blow away). So you’ve come to that point in the conversation that, like a sales presentation, you must close the deal. As any good salesman will tell you, there is an art to closing the sale. Timing is crucial. Press too soon & she’ll feel you’re pushy. Wait too long & things could be awkward or stale.

Your locale will again play a part in the ease in which an exchange can be made. In a business setting, you can exchange cards, handshakes & keep the swap light. At a party, the host / hostess can facilitate the situation by vouching that you are not a sociopath & making approving noises about the possibility of you two seeing each other again. (Friends generally love to see other friends connect.)

Men you may or may not agree with my next statement, but I think in all other situations, particularly in a bar, it is better if you give her your number & not press for hers. You may be the most honest & sincere guy in world. But we don’t know that yet. & since there are predators out there with a whole slew of kinks & predilections, smart women need to be on guard. If a man won’t give me his number, I’m suspicious. Is he married? Living with someone? I really appreciate it when man offers me his number. This automatically builds safety & trust. I feel like this man gets it. He’s giving me the opportunity to make the decision to go forward. & sometimes I do reciprocate. Also, men, if you give out your number, you wipe out the rejection factor of asking for hers & having her say “I don’t think so.”

The actual part of asking to see her again, unless you can come up with something drop dead witty, should be straight forward honesty. “I think you are _______ (supply compliment here) & I’d like to do this again.” This is cordial & non-threatening. You’re not making a specific date, which could box you into a calendar game (which can be fruitless). Instead you’ll seem warm, patient & desirous of getting to know her better.

As I’ve said before, meeting, flirting & courting, it’s all become a lost art. But if you want to find a relationship with someone worth it... take your time & do it right, from the start.

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The Art of Conversation

2006-06-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

So your opening line got our attention – now is your chance to dazzle us. Basically look at this first conversation like an audition or a job interview & be on your best behavior. While your wowing us, remember that a conversation is NOT a monologue; both parties get to speak. & since I’m on the topic of both people speaking, here are my peeves (& women are guilty of this too). Do NOT finish my sentences or guess what I am going to say. & I know this is tough for your guys, but please listen to what we are saying, not wait for our noise to stop so you get to talk again.

Get the woman’s name & use it. An individual’s name sounds very sweet to them. Using our name also means you paid attention when we told it to you. Do NOT use terms of endearment when you first meet. While babe, honey, sugar, sweetie, etc may be part of the vernacular (I’ve had a bank teller call me “sugar”, which is only apropos in New Orleans) but it is too familiar.

This should go without saying, but refrain from using expletives. In our current society these words are thrown about like verbs & adjectives. Put 4 letter words away until you’re hanging with the guys or stub your toe.

Even if you think you’re connecting with a woman like a plug to a socket; keep the conversation light. This means no deep personal questions. Too much information divulged by either party can be a quick turn-off. That means discussions about health, family or personal problems is best saved for the medical professional. Humor is a wonderful tool for keeping the conversation moving. But don’t play the court jester unless you really are Robin Williams.

Respect personal space. Don’t get too close unless invited to do so, or she initiates contact. Men, just your physicality can be intimidating. So continue to watch our body English (as discussed in the previous column – Reading the Signals). If she starts backing away, move.

If you are in a place where alcohol is served, imbibe in moderation. Yes, alcohol is the great lubricant. And if you’re only looking to get laid, then keep the drinks flowing. Just remember one-nighters are rarely more than that. And too much alcohol makes Jack a dull boy in more ways than 1 (if you get my drift).

So what do you talk about then? Utilize your location & what brought you both there as a launching point. (But please don’t say, “Come here often?”) Again this depends on your surroundings when the conversation starts. (If you’re in a grocery store or a Laundromat you’re not going to mine much dialogue since it’s obvious why you’re both there. Best to ask advice in those scenarios.) If you meet in an art gallery, then you not only can discuss why you came to the exhibit but the works on display.

Women are looking for points of connectivity so interests, hobbies, pets, sports are all grist for the mill. Politics & belief systems will take the conversation from the light to the intense (or the conclusion). Proceed in those areas with caution.

I always believe in leaving a man wanting more. That will work for you as well. So even if you have nothing else to do for the rest of your life, my advice is to exit before you wear out your welcome or hit an awkward silence.

Next column > Scoring the contact info.

Reading the Signals

2006-05-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

DID YOUR OPENING LINE WOW US OR NOT? The answer to this is all about reading the signals, the verbal or non-verbal cues.

Body Language is a big indication of whether to proceed with the interaction or not. Body language can be more reliable than what a woman actually says. (By a certain age we’ve all had practice in social interaction. This is particularly true with girls. Little girls are taught to be polite.) Has the object of your desire looked you in the eye or turned towards you in anyway? Or are her eyes fastened on a peeling piece of plaster on the far wall? (Some women do play hard to get. Also some men love the challenge of flipping a difficult chick. Trust me on this – if her focus is obstinately elsewhere – walk away!) Are her arms clasped tightly against her body? Or is her physical stance relaxed & open? A smile is a big green light. If she touches you (other than a face slap) by all means move to the next phase & ply your charm.

HOW TO RECOGNIZE GENUINE INTEREST

Before I go any further, I know you have healthy egos & that your egos can mask what is really happening in the situation. Therefore, really look & listen. Don’t read things how you’d like them to be, (“You’re so fabulous! I want you so bad!”) but as they really are.

If a woman is disproportionately interested, is touching herself or seems very exhibitionistic in behavior; she’s either a PRO or a BIG TEASE. (No woman goes from 0 – 60 mph in a matter of seconds, unless you’re George Clooney.) I’ve seen gals be very friendly in clubs, at parties or other social situations, with almost every man in the place. And then she’s left alone.

If she talks about a boyfriend, an ex or a lover right off the bat – move on – you’ll just become her friend or her therapist for the night.

As a writer I am intrigued by social interaction. I enjoy conversation like sport. Therefore if you make me laugh or can put a coherent paragraph together, I will most likely dialogue with you. (There are other women out there like me, particularly in metropolitan areas.) With someone like me you’ll have to work harder to read the signals because it takes a lot of verbal jousting to get beyond the initial meet. Intelligent women are worth it & you, at the least, may find it an interesting afternoon or evening diversion. (Do not approach me in the a.m. – I am an iceberg.) Women like me are not easy scores. If this is what you’re looking for, move on to easier, more superficial prey.

There is a good deal of opportunistic girls out there, purely looking to romance your wallet. Many men know & understand this & it doesn’t bother them. If you’re not that type, AVOID these women are all interested in the car your drive, social status & career path. Usually these women will rule you out, ascertaining your finances through your apparel & accessories. (Shoe & Hair Cut quality are dead giveaways.)

In taking the preceding into consideration – if the woman you have just warmed up with the opening line seems mentally healthy & interested -- TAKE THE NEXT STEP. Engage her in conversation. Regardless of how long you have to chat (transient places like train stations are much different than your seat-mate on a trans-Atlantic flight) make the dialogue count. That all important, first Conversation, (so it won’t be your last) will be the next topic.

Until the “book deal” please peruse the wares of my affiliates. Chitika malls offer quality merchandise with the ability to price surf from your desktop. You’ll find it to the right of this column, please scroll down if it’s not immediately visible. Please do some searching & shopping! If you DON’T find the ads to the right of the column, your browser may be at fault. FIREFOX IS THE WAY THE WEB WAS MEANT TO BE SEEN. If you are using another browser, download Firefox & see the difference. It’s a safer browser.

Opening Lines In Action

2006-05-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

In the previous lesson (& I do apologize for how long ago that’s been) I discussed the opening line. In this column I’ll give some real anecdotal evidence.

This first example will illustrate 2 principles. Take advantage of the surroundings to engage a woman in conversation & I used humor to make the dialogue more relaxed. (Actually since I applied the 2^nd principle, I gave the green light for the further interaction. More on reading the signals in the next column.)

I was in Neiman Marcus trying on sunglasses. A man adjacent to me was engaged in the same task. He turned & asked my opinion on his considerations. I commented that it was hard to tell with a price tag hanging on his face. We both laughed & I helped him choose his glasses which gave us a chance to connect & touch.

The next incident applies the key: COMPLIMENT US.

I wear a lot of hats. I love them because you never have a bad hair day. Men have often begun a dialogue with me by complimenting or commenting on my chapeau. It warms me up. If I’m interested (& that is dependent how original the compliment is; we’re not talking a quick, “nice hat,” comment) we’re off & running.

Scenario 3 makes use of: MAKE AN OBSERVATION.

I was in a NY pizzeria alone 1 Saturday afternoon. I typically read or write when dining alone. A man at a nearby table noted the title of the book (which I have long since forgotten) & opened with a specific question that required more than a yes or no answer. Take note: Here’s another KEY -- if your opening line is in the form of a question make sure it genders more dialogue than a yes or no response. From his question it was apparent that he’d actually read the book. I find men who read more than the sports page to be promising.) This led to a thought provoking dialogue. While he & I did not connect beyond this; it was a pleasant diversion, company & cost both of nothing.

Scenario 4: DISARM US WITH HUMOR

One of my favorite opening lines wasn’t really an opening line at all but a pantomime. I was seated at a window table in a restaurant with a male companion. (Warning: Amateurs do not try this... Trolling for a woman in the company of another man whose status you don’t know, takes great skill to avoid physical injury.)

There was a knock at the window & there stood a famous comedian gesturing towards me. He mimed taking an arrow through his heart at the sight of me. I laughed & nodded my head in appreciation. He then continued to entertain us with other sight gags. He then came to our table & joined us. Yes, he was a famous comedian & that moved him from strange nut to confident celebrity. He sat down next to my guy friend (I was out on a date but our deal had not been sealed yet) & apologized to him. Wanted to let him know how lucky he was to be seen with me. There was something very tender & sweet in his comic vulnerability as he looked at me across the table & said, “After I saw you, I couldn’t risk never running in to you again. I had to take the shot.” His act of sheer courage & bravado is the stuff of movie scenes & 20 years later both my friend & I still recall this meeting.

So gentleman, I’ve given you food for thought. Let’s see how memorable you can be.

*** Bookmark me: my next topic will be: Reading the signals!

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Opening Lines

2006-04-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

I know all the self-help books & gurus will tell you to HAVE A GOOD OPENING LINE! This is true. You'll only have a minute or less to make that first impression. However, DO NOT use a trite worn out cliche or a one size fits all line. Remember phoniness is readable. ("Do you come here often? What's a beautiful woman like you doing alone?" etc.) Unless you look like George Clooney or Matthew McConaughey, pick up lines rarely work. The following are some suggestions that will work, IF THE CHEMISTRY IS RIGHT.

DISARM US WITH HUMOR! When women are polled about what attracts them to a man, among the top 3 is always a sense of humor. Getting us to laugh right off the bat, is a great ice breaker. & Self-deprecation can be rather charming. One of my favorite opening lines occured in a parking lot, when I couldn't find my car. I said to my friend something to the effect of, "Now where did the car go?" To which a man piped up, "I swear I didn't steal it!" (Coupled with a rapid fire delivery we both laughed.) & then he helped us find it. Shortly after that he became my lover (& we remain friends to this day).

PAY ATTENTION TO THE SURROUNDINGS & MAKE AN OBSERVATION about someone, something or us. It will make us believe that you are a thinking, observant man.

We knock ourselves out to look good... NOTICE! Compliment our hair, our clothing, shoes, our smile; but not our tits or tush. (That objectifies & makes us think you're a perv.)

Find a way to connect that is natural to you. If you're shy, that can be very endearing.

If you are in an establishment where beverages are served, offer to buy her a drink, coffee, juice.

The art of the meet is a SKILL. It takes practice. Don't be discouraged if you get shot down. It's a numbers game. I am convinced that you'll connect with the girl you are supposed to meet. In the next column I will give you some specific examples of these rules in action.

Meeting Women - More Detail on Preproduction

2006-04-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

As previously discussed, YOU CAN MEET WOMEN ANYWHERE. Therefore, good grooming is a must. In the previous column I discussed preproduction in generalities. One reader recommended that I be more specific. While that had not been my original intention, I can see the benefit. I do promise to get you out of the house & on to the meet soon.

I recommended that you “Smell good but not “drink” the cologne bottle. Think subtlety! Make us want to get closer to discover your scent (not run the other way because we’re choking)."

A word or two on the type of cologne or after-shave you choose. Go to the department store or upscale pharmacy where you can actually try scents on for the first time. Usually there are an abundance of women in the department store make-up area, so don’t be afraid to get an opinion. (Therefore, look good when you go shopping, you may skip ahead in my lesson plan.) (1) Cologne smells differently on everyone. What may smell good on your brother may stink on you. (2) Find a fragrance that enhances your natural pheromones. (3) Find a scent that is manly, deep or/and warm. (Remember think of appealing to a woman not sharing colognes with her.) Therefore stay away from florals even if the sales associate insists it’s something called a note. Personally, I don’t like my man to smell like a citrus fruit either. & forget the Unisex kind. I don’t think they smell nice on anyone. (4) Spend a few dollars. Remember you are going to use it sparingly so it will last awhile. Cheaper colognes’ smell can change (over time) in the bottle & may even evaporate since their base is alcohol. To get you started, some of my favorite fragrances are: So Sexy, Marc Jacobs for Men, Armani for Men & Creed. (& unfortunately I’m not getting a kick-back for these recommendations.)

I stated, “I’m all for personal style provided that it is height, weight & age appropriate." I should also state that the clothing you wear should be situation, circumstance &/or location appropriate.

No one expects a man to walk around in a tuxedo unless you’re going to a formal affair. Think of how silly you’d look on the beach in a 3-pc suit. You also look just as dumb in baggy shorts & a tank top at a dinner party (unless it’s an outdoor barbeque in the summer). Getting the picture? Clothes should fit where you are or are planning to be.

So say you’re a blue collar worker… dirty work, construction, mechanics, painting etc. I’ve seen many pretty hot construction workers in their tight t-shirts, jeans, tans & well developed arms. If you’re fit, I won't even mind the sweat stains. What’s the message here? See lesson #1, your clothes fit well & they were clean when you left for the day. (Please resist the urge to wear jeans that are so tight you’re advertising the size of your package.) If you are the kind of worker that wears coveralls, you can strip down (we may like the show) at lunchtime or the end of the day so we can see the clean man underneath. That way if you meet us on the way home, you’re good to go.

Another tip when out in public: if you want to make a connection, pay attention to your surroundings. If you always have a cell phone to your ear, or an IPOD plugged in, you will miss many opportunities.

Meeting Women: The Preproduction

2006-04-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

As the above blog description states, the purpose of this column is to educate men about women. Understanding breeds harmony. Dispel some of the mystique & some of the confusion, exasperation & infuriation with each other will dissipate. (I didn’t say the entire mystique because without a little mystery, everyone would be bored.) This first column deals with your appearance. I know that a lot of men would be perfectly happy if they wore the same holey sweatpants & t-shirts day after day. (But women aren’t supposed to see this until much later, if you ever want to get them into your home.) Gentlemen, start your engines…..

Secret #1: Men, you can meet women anywhere…not just where alcohol is served. (Although, I know you believe that makes it easier.)

I’ve met men at the beach, walking the dog, at a ballgame, while trying on sunglasses at a department store, while pumping gas, etc. Hollywood calls that a cute meet & you have to look no further then any number of date movies to see it in action.

Since you can meet women anytime you’re outside the place you call home, this requires a bit of pre-production. If you don’t already own a good, large mirror invest in one. Its purpose is to take a long look at yourself before you leave the house. Good grooming speaks volumes about a man. Make sure your clothes are unstained & fit well. It doesn’t matter how expensive that jacket, if it’s dirty, frayed or too tight (or too large) it’ll look cheap.

I’m all for personal style (& this is where the use of a mirror comes in) provided that it is height, weight & age appropriate. If you can’t tell, ask someone other than your mother or another clueless friend. (Rule of thumb: Very few men look good in white slacks. If you are that rarity please don’t pair them with a black belt or shoes!)

Invest in a good haircut that compliments your face, works with the direction your hair grows or how much of it you have. (Believe me, without their billions; neither Trump nor Bill Gates would get any with their hairdos.)

Smell good but don’t “drink” the cologne bottle. Think subtlety! Make us want to get closer to discover your scent (not run the other way because we’re choking).

Oral hygiene is imperative. You don’t have to bleach, but please brush. There just isn’t a joke for the thought of kissing a man with tarter teeth or inflamed gums. If you’re a smoker be extra vigilant.

Many people today have just let themselves go sloppy & slobby. We’ve become an overly casual society in our manner & appearance. Have some pride & sense of self when you walk out of the house. Healthy self-confidence is dead sexy & we will notice.